my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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