Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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