I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
birth control should be required to get into college
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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