im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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