I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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