every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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