Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Floor bacon is actually really good
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
