I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize