I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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