yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
