Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
