I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
