All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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