whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
