apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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