I just threw up on my dentist
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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