my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
A+ Viking dick
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
