if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
