Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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