I puked a lego.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
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