Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
