We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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