Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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