We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
