Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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