I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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