Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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