I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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