you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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