I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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