3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
