i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
