So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I skipped work to stalk him.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
