so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
