We're like a lot better than the average bears
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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