Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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