You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
