Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
