My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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