When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
