this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He did a backflip because drugs
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
