There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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