I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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