hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
