did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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