He had one of those small greek statue penises
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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