I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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