so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
