It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I FOUND THE LEGS
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
