Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
