I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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