I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize