before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
