he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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