well I can't set my house on fire every night
now i know why i became what i already was.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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