I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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