Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
