I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
