Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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