When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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