my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
